The offence: Having Simulated Sex with a Bicycle.
Yes you read that right B.
Stewart, an unemployed bachelor, was "caught" in the "act" by cleaners who entered his rented room at Aberley House Hostel in Ayr (Scotland).
The prosecutor, Gail Davidson, filled in the storyline by telling the Ayr Sheriff Court the following:
"They knocked on the door several times and there was no reply. They used a master key to unlock the door and they then observed the accused wearing only a white t-shirt, naked from the waist down. The accused was holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex."
Apparently trying to have sex with a bicycle is considered a deviant sexual act in Britain.
For all his simulated copulation the court placed Stewart on the Sex Offenders Register for three years. He will also serve a three year probation sentence during this time.
But before you just fall out thinking through the ridiculous nature of this case consider the following simulated sex crimes as reported by the BBC:
• In 1997 Robert Watt, 38, was fined £100 for trying to have sex with a shoe in an Edinburgh street
• In 2002 the same man was arrested for simulating sex with a traffic cone in front of a crowd of people
• Earlier this month, sentence was deferred on teenager Steven Marshall, from Galashiels, who admitted simulating sex on a pavement while drunk
Damn dawg, has the colonial master finally just tipped over into the madness of self implosion? These f*ckwits can’t really be serious hey?
See this Telegraph blog, especially the comments, for a more deft consideration.
What a waste of time and public resources. And in the case of the bicycle banger this is undeniably a matter of privacy and the right to f*ck whatever inanimate object that may be considered attractive or available.
Hell what is going be the next best sex crime?
Could this be a time when faking an orgasm may lead to time in jail? Will vibrators be banned all over Britain? And what will the courts do to those thousands of horny teenagers and others who are simulating sex with a Playboy magazine right now.
I can only imagine what the Brits would do to these purile jackasses and their pasty-ass protest in Portland.
Maybe these Naked Bike Ride poseurs would have been jailed for simulating a politics hey?