D. and I walked into 'our' now usual hang-out to meet the cojones crew around lunchtime today. They were already seated in the back by a large window that allows for spectacular views of nothing in particular.
Five meters into the establishment both D. and I turned to look at each other as we reached a double date table where two very Indian young ladies were out with two very white boys.
"Hold your temper," D. said with a smile as we reached our table of married cojones doing the usual sport and sex talk back.
What the f*ck hey? When did Indian women step out into crackaville with such audacious authority? Aren't these the same women who want an engagement ring on their fingers before you can hold their hand on a date?
What the hell is going on in the world of saris and mendi?
Sashi Naidoo is crowned the sexiest woman in the world by FHM and she is fyne and Indian. But home gurl is not at home anymore because she been cruising white lanes and married a lame ass white boy who tells everyone he had immigrated to the US but he came back to be with Sashi.
Whatever. I know a couple of Indian astronauts (Moonsammys) who would have hiked back from the moon to be in Sashi's life. And Zubaida Jardine? She is not Indian but Malay but that means squat to just about anyone except Indians and Malays of the diaspora.
She is married to a white boy along with Kass Naidoo of cricket SA fame.
What the hell is going on? I know a few played out aunties in Lenz and Laudium the white boys can gladly have. For real. But these stunning sistaz?
Are Indian women now working on booty reparations? I can relate. But damn. Marry them?
(Please remind me to invest in whichever company is manufacturing bidets in South Africa. It is gonna be a bumpa decade for profits.)
And where the f*ck are Prakesh, Imtiaz, and Hitesh when these Hindian sistaz are being raided by the leftover colony?
These questions filtered through the played out cojones gathering but none among the played out bras were even as incensed as me.
Well 'cause except for one other dude I am the only one without a prenuptial contract or any other such contract period. And damn the pickings are slim enough without Jannie, Koos, and Donald f*cking with our genetic stock.
"Call that Guru friend of yours and ask him how he could let that Hindian woman he travelled around India with to get impregnated by whitey just like that," one of the cojones who reads here said.
I whipped out the cell and called him of hymns, gospels, and transcendental spiritualism.
"She liked white boys all along and I was not really interested in her in that way," the Guru fought back against the background jeers and insults from the cajone crew.
I hung up on his coloured ass.
"Where is that white woman athlete you almost married Ridwan?" my boy D. said with a playful glint in his eye.
"Ummm dammit that was different. I'm a brutha who calls the shots. I'm Fanon and Biko rolled up into one. I'm the bad radical who can decenter whiteness and float like a butterfly when I needs my brutha."
"Whatever boeta Ridi. I thought you fell apart right after you found out she was balling her boss on your clock."
The table grew quiet and homies were staring me down. I did not want that sh*t out there D. I thought.
"So you called the shots and she left you for her boss ... was he white too?" a cojone spewed in me grill.
"Yeah he was white. But so was she. So what?" I fought back.
"The white boys got you cornered Mr. Shot Caller. Just look over there. Hindian beauties are not even worried about you or us and the white boys could care even less," the cojone added.
"Are any of you muthaz married to a white woman? I asked.
"No Ridi. You would be the one who came closest. We been happy just with who we are all along. But welcome back dumbass you almost f*cked up big time ne," the oldest cojone said.
Yeah I got my ass kicked today. And hard too.
PS: If anyone is offended by the gender and race insensitivity of this post I am truly not sorry. If you think I am pissed just talk to a few of the sistaz in the US about white women and bruthaz. ;0)