Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Shopping with The Golden Girls

This morning I reminded the momster that I had no work related stuff on my plate till later this afternoon.

Big mistake.

"You need to go with me to Game today because I want a new phone system for the house and I don't know how those things work."

"Oh no problem Fatima but can we do it on Saturday."

"Listen here Ridwan.  I said today.  I go to town on a Wednesday and Aunty Mavis goes with me because we get a ten percent pensioners discount at Game."

As we walked into Game my head starting spinning.  The place was packed with pensioners looking to get their ten percent discount on.

Choosing a phone turned out to be harder than I imagined.

"Moms can you see the numbers on this one?  It has a nice back light to make it easier."

"Ridwan can't you see I am talking to Aunty Beatty?  Come over here and say hello."

I walked over and the aunty planted a big fat kiss on my grill leaving a smudge of red lipstick: "Are you still studying my boy?"

"No he is not studying Beatty.  He is not young anymore."

"But is he married?  Where is your family my boy?"

"Ummm I am not married Aunty Beatty.  And I don't have kids that I know of."

"That's not even funny Ridwan.  He always plays the fool Beatty.""

I walked away thinking I'm caught in a damn episode of The Golden Girls.

"Why are you taking so long?  Just choose a phone."  "I am having difficulty moms is there an asisstant?"

"Young man come over here.  Can't you see we need help?"

As we walked out of Game my head was pounding and it grew worse as we shopped for close to three hours.

Somewhere towards the end we walked into Fruit & Veg and the momster started choosing this and dissing that from aisle to aisle.

The she put her stuff into an old white man's trolley and I had to retrieve it with an apology.

"Did you not see that it was not our trolley Fatima."  "Well how should I know?  It looked like ours."

We arrived home for a late lunch and I knew the after-match analysis was going to be thrown down.

"Beatty looks so sick.  Her sister looks better.  Mavis will only buy seeded brown bread.  I told her the seeds will break her dentures.  But will she listen?  Oh no. Old people can be so difficult."

"She is five years older than you Fatima."

"So what?  You think I am old?  You think you won't get old.  It happens to everyone.  One day you think you all that and then you not.  Like this floozy coloured girl I saw in Pick & Pay.  She had a too tight skirt on and was falling out all over the place.  I gave her a dirty look and she got out of my way.  Talking loud on the phone like we need to see her.  Muslim girls dress appropriately.  And they can look fancy too.  I saw this young woman with a headscarf and she looked beautiful."

"Oh I saw her too moms she was Indian right?"

"What does it matter?  She was Muslim and looked respectful not like that floozy blocking traffic in the aisle.  Some women sell themselves short and think it is fashionable.  Men just end up using women like that."

"It will take about 12 hours for the phone to charge before we can use it."

"Why?  Can't they just make a phone that works.  And they say that life is better with technology.  In the old days a phone was a phone and not a camera.  Now it is a tape recorder and a DVD or CD or something.  It just makes no sense."

My head hurts something fierce.

Somewhere in the three hours above I was standing in-between Aunty Mavis and the moms in a pharmacy helping them decide between brands of denture adhesive.

What the f*ck happened to cool Ridi?  I had the other game once.

Man I really miss my dad something awful today.

C'est la vie.


Ps: "Is this really what life's about ... ?"


Erica said...

Damn boy! Ole girls had you hemmed up today huh?

You should know that my bets are mom in the ass whippin department and TRUST it's coming.

And STOP calling her by her first name.

Golden Girls meet The Young and The Restless..........

Good post love!! Crazy as hell, but good post.

s & j said...

O come on ridi it's poetuc in its own way , older people bring us back down to earth and remind us how much we still need to learn and they do it with loads of comic irony - all I can say is enjoy fatima every second you can :) and leave the being anxious for white girls - they do it well!

Kweli said...

Karma is a biatch!
Mooi is always telling you to be patient. Looks like you coulda used some patience on this day, brother. The universe was totally against you.

Ridwan said...

Hey Erica moms has me in a corner most of my life.

I can't even role with that sista even if I tried.

When I got home tonight she joined me at the table as I ate dinner even though her show was on ... now if that ain't love what is :0)

**S&J! Did you just call me a white girl ;0)

Trust you both well up there with the floods and all

***Kweli my brother I need to work on the patience.

Trust you well my brother.

Thank you all for your comments.

Peace and Onward!


Nolwazi said...

RIDWAAAAAAN! Brothah u the coolest guy I've ever met!

Erica really makes me laugh with her comments. Please tell her I say :"Hi there and come to South Africa for a lekker jol neh, I'd love to meet you! I'll take u to Durban, the shebeens, the kassies and we'll have a great time."

Ok so Mama neh, heish ya jo, what can we say about our Queens? They're all the same albeit in their own different way. (did I use that conjuction 'albeit' in the correct way? Is it a conjunction even? Ok enough...)


I aint gon' syomathise with yo ass coz yo ass aint sympathise with mine when I was buggin about my Queen and her bikini mission. Remember what you said to me? Ya. So right back at you!

But still, u still and always will be the coolest, most gangsta, awesomest guy in post-apartheid democratic dispensation.


Ridwan said...

Hola Nolwazi thanks for your comment my sista.

As usual you can hand out and ass whupping with luv too :0)

So you and Erica will get along for sure.

Hey I hear you on the momster.

I listen and she has to put up with me and my moods a whole lot more that I have to with her straight shooting.

Moms be a gunslinger you know.

You stand in her way - your ass will get shot.

Remind me to show you where she shot me just this morning :0)

Much luv to you sista,

Erica said...

Nolwazi, are you inviting me for a drink? (shhh....don't tell Ridi, but I'm up for a nip every now and then...shhhh):)

I'd love to meet you soon. You sound like my kinda gal!

Maybe now I have a partner in crime in whippin the man's (Ridi)ass when he speaks of mom in such a way.

Peace to you my new sista!

Nolwazi said...

Hi Ridwan, I know this is your blog n all but please publish this comment or just forward it to her. It's for Erica, I don't have her phone number so you're my link to her. Please don't read it as it is personal and may contain some offensive stuff about you:)

HEY ERICA!!! How are you? I hope you're happy n healthy! Thanks for your response. So I know your birthday is on the 15th of September...neh? Mine was on the 17th. HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY VIRGO! Yes, PLEEZE COME TO SOUTH AFRICA! I mean it Sistah, it would be so great to meet you! I'll take you everywhere...Ridwan will take us everywhere in his Golf...which we might get hijacked in coz it's hot property (the ideal car to have when you're in the house robbery business, its fast! POPO CAN'T CATCH UP!).

Oh my goodness, I'll take you to Durban. It's very beautiful, rich with all types of cultures (Don't listen to anything Ridwan says about anything that has to do with Durban).

If we get to Durban in the morning, you'll be Zulu by lunch time. Oh and there's this huge market right next to a huge Mosque. The market is strictly for Sangomas and witches. It has every ingredient a Black woman would need to lead a peaceful life (and get niggas to back the hell off and pay you yo damn money back for that new car battery he said he had to buy the same week you saw his broke behind proposing to his ex-girlfriend!) That's jus what the market is about! You know I aint mad at that!

Ridwan, your eyes better not be on this line!

Oh and Durban seas are beautiful Erica!! Magical really! But neh, we won't swim where most of the Zulus swim coz at around 6pm every evening the ocean cleans itself by regurgitating all the goats, chickens and little bags of bile used for rituals- you know, for good luck, getting a man back after he's made his first million, getting a woman back after she's made her first million, landing a job as the treasurer of a really really rich church and stuff.

Yep, so Durban it is then when you come here. You'll never forget it...neh:)

Nolwazi said...

Thank you Black:)