"My Woman and I"

I like Fridays because I think folks let go on a Friday.  Let go of the insanity of working and pretending.  And please save me the protestant induced ethic of working for progress and meaning as you move toward heaven and God.

Work sucks for most people.  So save that sh*t for your pastor on Sunday.

My mission was to find an electric blanket/pad for my too cold bed.  I relented.  Kinda like when I decided that it was time to own a cellphone.

Somewhere around 3am last night I could see my breath in front of my ass and I thought it was time.  Set aside the macho 'I don't need any comforts cause I'm a Gandhi in the making'.

So there Phil and I were making our way looking for the aisle where they keep electric blankets.  We started in the TV section of the store where we stood in trans-like Beavis and Butthead amazement in front of a 3D 42 inch Sony Television.

"Whoa that is sooooo kewl ... dude."

"That TV costs more than my car," I said.  "No my brother you look like you can buy it with just one swipe of your debit card," a salesman replied with a jolly Friday laugh.

"Whoa dude that sh*t is amazing," Phil was saying over and over again.  "It is so real I feel I can even reach out and touch the players.  TV will not be the same ever again," he added.

"Yeah boet.  I wonder what it is like watching porno on a 3D set.  I bet it may be a whole lot more of an experience huh?" I said aloud in contemplative scientific thought.

The salesman burst out laughing and started making crude masturbating gestures and a whole aisle of idle men just started howling until a few hijaab aunties walked by and it was so over.

An hour later Phil and I had still not found the damn aisle we were looking for.  We looked at CDs, lawnmowers, cellphones, power tools, luggage, tents, comics, and bubble gum.

We were walking out of the store when I realized my mission was not completed.  So we went back in and got directions and there it was.  Rows of blankets, pads, sh*t that looked like covers, and all electric too.

"Ummm b*tch I don't know which one to take," I said.  "F*ck boet just take a double electric pad and lets go," my usually patient bra replied.

"A double?  Why?  I sleep alone.  Well yeah a sad revelation but hey now you know ne," I said as I picked the one I thought my mother would and walked toward the cash registers.

We chose the prettiest cashier.  'Cause it is less painful than the ugly ones.  What?  Your ass thought I was gonna lie or sumthen? 

She rung up the purchase while we both looked on to see whether there was a wedlock ring attached to her fynness.

"That can't be right.  That price is a lot more than what it says back there," I said.  "No it is right I'm sure," Ms. Fynness replied.

"No it is not right," Phil interjected trying to grab her fyne attention.  "I will walk back there with you and we can see," she said smiling and grabbing at my arm.

"Yep the price is wrong," we both said standing in front of electric pads.

"Do these things really work and keep you warm all night?" she asked and I talked about toasty, comfy, and sh*t.

"I'm gonna pick one up for my woman and I on payday," she said looking me straight in the eye.  "Your woman is gonna luv it believe me," I said without missing a beat or giving a sign of misgiving.

"Oh really.  You think my woman will luv it?  Is that a problem for you?"  "No.  How big is your bed?" I replied looking right back at her.

"I like you.  You funny.  Most straight men would have been stuttering about now," she said walking back toward Phil.

"Damn Ridi what the f*ck you need to write a damn dissertation with that woman for?" he complained.

'She said she thinks I'm funny broer.  You know how I smaak (like) women who laugh at my sh*t?"

"Really, did you get her number?"

"She is a lesbian broer and she has a woman at home."

"Really, did you get her number?"

Onward!